The Dark Days of Parenting ( Silent Reflux )
It’s 2am on a random Thursday morning. Fiona is upstairs with Ace (Ace is our nine week old son) and I should be happy. I should be happy I have a beautiful son that my wife is feeding, giving me a lovely nights rest on the sofa whilst I don’t have to do anything. Well the truth is I’m not happy, I’m not happy at all. I’m somewhat sad, depressed and drained.
We have a nine week old, that for six weeks of his life has spent almost every waking second screaming, arching his back, having a constant stream of bubbles coming from his mouth, fusses during feeding, can’t be left for more than 30 seconds without been held, rarely sleeps in the day and generally struggles to get in any way settled. He has ‘silent reflux’ If your unsure what silent reflux is click here
In short, silent reflux is a massive wanker and can fuck right off. With it been our last baby it’s kind of sad, as we thought our third baby would be happier and we would be more content than we actually are. Ace is on medicine for his condition but no signs of improvement as of yet.
I’m working lots at the moment and Fiona is at home with Ace and our other two boys Travis (7) and Roman (4). I wouldn’t survive mentally if I was at home and the pressure there is on Fiona is actually huge. I feel useless at times, like I can’t do anything to help. I get to go to work and rant about how Ace and the boys have been, Fiona doesn’t have that option. Even though I’m away from the madness at home I still feel connected to home life. I’m thinking about home at least once every ten minutes whilst at work. Trying to picture what’s going on. I’m unable to disconnect.
The classic line I’m getting constantly is “it will get better” but no, not in my head it won’t, the damage is done. It’s too hard some days to cope. It’s put a strain on my relationship with my wife and my other two boys and I find myself questioning my every move, my every word. Arguing has taking over talking and it ain’t a normal day without a fall out with either the kids or wife. The world has slowed down. My brain is switching off. My body is trying to protect itself from critical levels of explosive emotion.
The question I ask myself daily is “Am I depressed?” I’m honestly not sure. I thought third time round this would be a walk in the park, how wrong was I.
I’ve learnt over the years through different experiences to mask emotion. Most people portray me as the most chilled out, fun-loving guy they’ve ever met. I want to be that guy, I don’t know him anymore but he’s there somewhere deep inside. He actually shows his face every day for most parts but he’s not me.
Ace didn’t choose to have silent reflux and I didn’t choose to feel sad. I struggle to cope with everything and luckily Ace won’t remember these days, these dark days. I will continue to try to move forward each day and find me.
I’m lucky to have an amazing wife who’s an amazing Mum to our boys, for that I am truly grateful. I’m led down here on this sofa, whilst she is giving my son everything he needs. Warmth, food, comfort and unconditional love. I don’t tick all them boxes right now and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. Time to sleep.
Love you all long time. Let me know how you got over such dark times and comment below.